Life Is No Cabaret|
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|Wednesday, January 14th, 2009|
Kevin: he called me before he got to you
Me: i be fighting with bf we have to make good
Kevin: Ah I see.
Kevin: Kick that nigger to the curb sistah girlfriend.
Kevin: I apologize if he's black.
Kevin: Then I don't give a shit.
Kevin: YUM IRISH!
Me: he's schmexy
Me:lookit my myspace picta
Kevin: I haz not seen.
Me: go now!
Me: ill link youhttp://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=6742644&albumID=389548&imageID=55183232
Me: he's ginger!
Kevin:I love gingers.
Me: me too
Kevin: I'M SORRY IT'S A HORRIBLE PICTURE. I didn't see the ginger undertones.
Kevin: *horrible quality.
Me: love you
Me: i know
Me: its crap
Kevin: I really do have a thing for gingers though. It's my favorite. I'm incredibly attracted to it.
Me: hisname is kevin too
Kevin: Oh that's weird
Me: giner hair is so sexy
Me:that wai i love lil nell
Kevin:DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE DRAPES MA'AM?
Me: ohhh je
Me: and theres a massive thing in the middle of the caret
Kevin: K so I hope you make up with him.
ME: and me likes it
Kevin: And make babies.
Kevin:OH IS IT MASSIVE?
Me: not massive
Me: but me likey
Kevin:I was atwitter for a moment.
Kevin: Let me compose myself.
Kevin: I hope you get happy and make babies.
Kevin: Posibly take pictures of the baby making process from which you are conveniently excluded, maybe accidentally forward them to your good fag Kevie.
Kevin:But you know that last part is optional.
Me: ahhh i love you
Me: no body makes me go hahaha like you
Kevin: I miss you vair much.
Kevin: I gots to go babeh.
i should specify that this is kevin from rocky, not my man thing kevin.. yea
|Wednesday, December 24th, 2008|
|so this is the first
this is the first year i have someone to spend christmas with and i am not with him
this is the first year i have someone who i actually want to buy a gift for and i cannot afford to
this is the first time i have loved someone who truly and deeply loves me too
this is the first time i know who i want to kiss when the ball drops wants to kiss me too and he can't. we can't.
this is the first time i am not afraid of being in love because of getting hurt, i'm afraid of hurting him.
this is the first time that i can't sleep because i'm thinking about how lucky i am.
this is the first time that someone thinks they're lucky to have me too
and finally this is the first time that i'm happy. 100% completely happy.
and i love it
merry happy to all of you
|Monday, December 8th, 2008|
|:thwack thwack clunk:
Me: i want chips
Me: i don know
Me: i want wings
Me: gah what am i pregnant?
Me: i want pickles
Me: get me pickles
Bobby: you're always like that
Bobby: we've already established there's no chance of me leaving my warm room with all these tissue boxes to go cross the frozen tundra
Me: i want pickles
Bobby: you need help
Me: well duhhh
Me: i have cakes
Me: i like cakes
Bobby: who doesn't
Me: but i really want pickles
Me: across the street is still open
Me: i got pickles
Me: you have no idea
Me: i cant open then
Me: not lol
Bobby: irony for ya
Me: very unlol
Me: im banging the jar with a flashlight
Bobby: you don't have like a jar opener or something?
Me: ....jar opeer?
Me: what am i 80?
Bobby: I meant like the one you use with your hand, that's what I use
Me: bobby, i can see your vagina from here
Bobby: right, I should just bang on the lid with a flashlight like it says in the bible
Me: GOT IT!!!!!
|Friday, November 28th, 2008|
|ITS MY BIRTHDAY
|Thursday, November 27th, 2008|
|maybe i'm eating retard sandwiches again
did you allow a crazy person to move into your head?
y'know they never pay rent on time
and if/when they do it'll be with something ridiculous
"$500 a month? I thought you said 20 bats every day!"
"eeek eeek eek eeek"
|Wednesday, November 19th, 2008|
Me: im hacking up a lung
Me: like hard core
Me: cause i stress smoked tonight
Jack: aw c'mon
Jack: you really need a disembodied hand to follow you around
Jack: and knock shit out of your hands
Jack: you'd be pissed at the hand at first true
Jack: but in hindsight
Me: i need my boyfriend to be a fucking
Me: whats it called
Me: oh right
Jack: well I personally feel the floating disembodied hand is the easier route to go here
Jack: but to each their own
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2008|
|Tuesday, October 28th, 2008|
|Saturday, September 20th, 2008|
The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the People magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don't know who you are, but "Desperate-blank-wives"? Nothing? Three letter word for writing utensil? You're holding it in your hand. Huh? Okay, here's one more for you. Four letters, begins with a "V," something you shouldn't be allowed to do on November 4th.
|i hate these people
Just because you live in the middle of nowhere doesn't make you more authentic than me. It just means you have a much longer drive to the airport.
Now, ever since Sarah Palin came along, this election has been falsely framed as a contest between salt-of-the-earth, small-time maverick westerners and snooty eastern elites. You know, there's people who go to church on Sunday, and there's people who go to brunch.
Even fast-talking, cross-dressing Rudy Giuliani - the former mayor of New York City - accused Obama of being too cosmopolitan. That's like being called a douche-bag by Andy Dick.
And...and listen to Mitt Romney from the same convention. He said, "If America really wants change, it's time to look for the sun in the west, because it's about to rise and shine from Arizona and Alaska. Of course, if the sun actually did rise in the west, that would mean the earth is spinning backwards and we'd all fly into space. But, then Mormons were never big on science. As you well know.
But, what Mitt was getting at is that the East Coast is where all the liberals, with their bad ideas, come from. You know, bad ideas like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. As opposed to the brilliant ideas that have come out of the west like frontier justice and wearing cowboy boots with a suit.
The ideas this nation was founded on came from the most cosmopolitan people of their day, the founding fathers, who believed in science, who looked to Europe for wisdom, and who had no use for ignorant hicks like Bush and Palin.
Truth is - the truth is, as America moved west and got farther away from its birthing in Boston and Philadelphia, it became less American, not more. We keep hearing about small-town values, you know, like shooting wolves from an airplane or forcing your daughter into a doomed, loveless marriage.
Cities are about diversity of thought. Small towns are about...well, crystal meth. And, last year, police found 42 meth labs in Sarah Palin's home county. Drug addiction is a terrible thing, but apparently it beats living in Wasilla sober.
There's so much meth in this town, I'm surprised the Palins didn't have a kid named "Tweaker."
So, now I know what they mean when they talk about the Alaska spirit. Ah, yes, Alaska, where the townsfolk are jittery and the hockey players screw right through the condoms.
|Monday, September 1st, 2008|
"so, how was last night with travis?"
"i got stuffed like a turducken!"
"Once I was at this club and there was a mirror across from me. Not only did I walk into it and break it accidentally, but before I did it, I remember looking at myself and saying, "Who is this bitch?" and then, crash. I talked shit about myself and then I broke the mirror."
Dude: But he fucked my mom!
Friend: Well, you did steal his dog.
Dude: Yeah, I guess.
Elderly woman #1
: How's your mother?
Elderly woman #2
: She's great! She wants to get euthanized!
Guy with luggage: What's the temperature tonight?
Guy without luggage: Twelve.
Guy with luggage: Twelve? Twelve! Why the fuck do people live here!?
Flight attendant: As we prepare to disembark, please check to make sure you have not abandoned any bags, personal items or children. All abandoned items will be divided up among the flight attendants, except the children, who will be given to the captain.
: That's why I love the beach, there's always someone in a bathing suit who looks worse than you!
Random beach dude: Sorry hun, today that's just not the case.
: Oh my god.
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
Drunk girl, after hearing about a "promise statue": I'll tell you what I would do if a guy gave me a promise statue! I'd lube that shit up and stick it up my vag!"
Husband: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer on the side of the road? Well, wait 'til you see this!
Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
: It's over. I think it's a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there's a good reason they're strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It's like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
: I still want to date one.
: ... Yeah, they're fun.
cute guy: so ill call you and then you'll have my number ok?
cute girl: it's ringing! i'm gunna reject you and then i'm gunna save you. OH MY GOD, i'm like jesus!
|Wednesday, August 20th, 2008|
|Tuesday, August 19th, 2008|
|rant of a copy girl- DT
I make copies for a living. Black and white, color, oversize. I also laminate, bind, staple, 3-hole punch, fold, and any other various "copy girl" duties. I understand that alot of people can not identify with the job of a copy girl, because its a combination of waitress/cashier. I wait on you and then you pay. Need copies? Here are some rules to follow and things to avoid. Please bear with me as I have had a particularly annoying day so I am a bit more pissed off than I am on a regular day. I make copies for a living, I never said I could spell or use correct grammar. Just giving you a warning.
1. If you come to me 30 minutes before we close and need 10,000 fliers printed, its not going to happen. Don't tell me that it can. A machine can print 60 copies a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour. 60x60=3,600 copies an hour. So as you can see, it will take over 2 hours to do that. (I have never been good at math, hence my being a copy girl, so my figures could be off--but you get the point.
2. When I make a mistake, I pay for it. If you told me to make the copies 2 sided and I did not, I will apologize and correct the problem. You will not be charged for my mistake. However, if you are a fucking dumb ass and can not read the directions on the machine where it says "place copy in upper left hand corner--press start" and you put it in the upper right hand corner and press start...Well, you will pay for those copies and I reserve the right to call you a fucktard under my breath. Its only fair.
3. Ok, so you need 5 quick copies. Easy, in and out. So why on earth do you and 3 of your friends all need to pile out of the car and come in? You all get out, come in, watch me make the copies, and then 30 seconds later you all leave the store.
How many douche nozzles does it take to make a copy?
4. If you don't understand how to use the self serve machines--ASK. That's what I am here for, to help. Why waste 5 minutes of your time staring at the machine like its some foreign object? To go along with item number 2, if you stand there and put your 50 pages in the auto feed face down (when it reads in big bold letters FACE UP) I will again call you a name and make you pay for them.
5. I get it, you need your copies and you need them quick. Like I said earlier, the machine only goes so fast. When I tell you the job will take about an hour, that is your cue to go get some coffee or do another errand and come back. When you proceed to stand at the counter and stare at me the whole time, you are not helping. Your not mind tricking the machine into going any faster. The only thing you are doing is pissing me off. I will probably gyp you on copies if you do this.
6. I've done this job for a long time. I know what I am doing. If I tell you that when you laminate that concert ticket it will turn black, I mean it. So, when you proceed to tell me you have done it before and it will be fine, you just look like a jack ass when I do it and it does in fact turn black. Still, you proceed to get mad at me. I know you have a small penis, but don't take your inadequacies out on the copy girl.
7. No your nasty ass snot nosed kids can not come behind the counter. Neither can you. Its not cute when little Jimmy is playing hide and seek and runs behind the counter. It will be cute when he chops off his cute little arm with the industrial cutter we have back here though. And you? Would you go to MacDonald's and order something and then go follow them behind the counter as they microwave your burger? NO. Don't do it to me. Again, I know what the fuck I am doing. Let me do it so I can get you the hell out of here.
8. Oh, you need a receipt for that 5 cent copy? No you don't. I will punch you in the face if you ask.
9. The prices for basic items are located on the door, on the counter, on the big fucking pricing board on the wall, and in the brochers we have. So when you ask me to make you 1,000 color copies, I am going to do it. If you don't ask me the price, I assume you know. Do you go to the McDonald's (I am hearting the McDonald's references today) drive thru and order a number 6 and then when they tell you the total say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much'? NO. You don't. You would be a piece of fuck if you did that. So when you look at me and say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much" I will just stare at you waiting for my money. McDonald's might be able to sell that burger, fries, or coke to another person. I probably wouldn't be able to sell your copies of 'The Everything Asparagus Cook Book' to the freakiest of freaks--And yes, someone really does come in here and make copies of that cook book. Its like 300 pages long and even includes asparagus ice cream....But anyhow, I am getting off of my rant.
10. I can not copy that book for you. I mean, physically I can, but legally--well, its illegal. Do you know what copyright is? It means, its not yours to copy without permission. Also there is a list of things that are illegal to color copy, such as money and drivers license. I realize that maybe you don't know that, but I just fucking told you. So now you know. Asking me why not just makes me want to kick your ass.
11. This is not an auto dealership. You can not try and bargain the price down. Why someone would do that is beyond what I could think up. We have a price list. We go down in price the more you get.
What don't you understand?
12. When you hand me your shitty papers to be copied, don't say "don't read that information, its private." Well sir, I really did want to read your letter to your girlfriend about your infatuation with fucking sheep because it fascinates me to no end--But since you asked so nicely, I will try ever so hard to tear myself away from reading about whatever piece of shit it is that you are copying. I don't give a fuck if you are copying pictures of a dildo hanging out of your ass. I could care less. I just want to take your money.
Ok, I feel much better. Thanks for listening....One more tip. If you are one of the people who doesn't act like a socially retarded fucker, I will remember that. I will give you a cheaper price, or give you 10 extra copies of your flier for your lost kitty kat. Meow.
|Tuesday, August 12th, 2008|
|Monday, August 11th, 2008|
|my first entry from england... via the narration of Jack
Me: i want to right a live journal entry... but i dont even know where to start
Jack: "I am writing this from England, isn't that special"
"In England the keyboard is upside down and the money features women, thus proving the superiority of American money, as it only bears men and eagles"
"the way the pyramid eye God intended it"
"who cares about genuine value when you have symbolic value?"
Jack: "also the cheese here is exactly the same as at home"
Jack: "leading me to believe I never actually left the country and someone is playing an extremely elaborate prank"
Me: omg im just copy pasting this to my livejournal
Jack: "I have copy pasted all the previous statements"
"talking to myself and narrating has become a new habit in this potentially foreign land, potential prankster's paradise"
"as dementia sets in I remember well my dearest Robert, how truly sad it is that we should have to depart in such a manner"
oh man i love you!
Jack: "I suspect the cholera shall take from me your visage"
"and never again shall I see the eyes of my beloved"
and then the journal continues her in her descent into madness and later, death
the latter of course having the most entries and being drawn out over the course of 5 entries
2 before, 3 after
see it's the cholera she caught from her father, who was the maharaja of a small province in India
her father and mother have long since passed but the red death has already locked her in its clutches
it's really just one of the saddest stories ever told
one which clearly isn't being made up as I go along because it really happened
and isn't at all a complete of work of fiction at all
thank you jack
|Friday, August 8th, 2008|
|i'm in the airport
omg i am actually doing it!
i am about to actually leave the country and go to england and spend a month there
words are lacking
|Monday, May 5th, 2008|
|omg he emailed me
Meeting you made New York a beautiful place for me. Knowing that you will be in my town soon makes my life seem less monotonous, and possibly full of excitement. Cannot wait to see you in august and please do feel free to stay at my flat as long as you like. A girl of your stature who wants me not for my fame or (might i say) dashing looks, but for my wits and charm (of which i also have plenty) is the thing i've been craving for a long time. give us a call when you make your way here. *************** or an email if you cannot get through.
this ain't a pick up line (or lines as it is a paragraph) but a welcoming to my life.
oh my god
|Saturday, April 26th, 2008|
|Tuesday, April 15th, 2008|
|he uses charm the way some people use rohypnol
i can't believe it
the most amazing thing that could ever happen has
and it all has to do with aldous snow
i mean seriously
that fact that i got to hang out with him makes my life PHENOMENAL
I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS!
|Sunday, March 30th, 2008|
|im the new harvard
"we're so not going to Hawaii"
"i can't leave the country yet"
"Hawaii is a state darlin.."